I still haven’t found what I’m looking for …
While that’s not a good or bad thing, necessarily, it’s amazing how many things that lyric can apply to all at once. Mainly what I’m applying it to right now is my love life. Or, now, my lack thereof. In my last post I mentioned Alissa from Chicago. Well, she’s back in Chicago for almost a month now. And, things have changed. It was different when she was here, apparently. Sure it was! I don’t know what it is or what happened, exactly. Of course I want to say it was on her end, but who knows. Maybe it was my fault.
In any case, I’m bummed and disappointed because - I truly felt with her that I had found what I am looking for. After she had left I thought, possibly incorrectly and mistakenly, way to much about what I ought to do to keep things fresh and interesting between us. I felt like, I really want to hang on to this girl. I mean, it is not like I was calling her every day, or emailing her every day, or poking her on Facebook every day. We talked every once in a while on the phone. I sent her an email here and there. I asked twice in an email two weeks apart if she’d had any more thoughts about me coming to visit. (Which, I thought would be crucial to anything lasting.) I mentioned a visit once on the phone and got very positive response (not so much with the emails). Also in an email I tossed around some travel ideas, about meeting in Chicago and going on a trip, or her joining me on a motorcycle trip somewhere. Or various other ideas.
But I guess I pushed it too far. Pressured her a bit more than she wanted. Had I known that she doesn’t feel up to a relationship, I would have never kissed the girl. I mean, you can’t ask that before can you? Wouldn’t that ruin something?
After feeling so good about the connection between us, I felt really stupid to find out she’s essentially not interested. How does that happen? The only thing I can think is that it was all in my head (which, everything is, really). She showed interest in me too (fleeting or not, maybe I need to be able to tell the difference?)
How do people find each other and stay together?
I guess 2000 miles between you at the very beginning (i.e. days after) of a relationship isn’t the best thing for keeping things going. And, finding out if the other person is looking for the same thing you are (a relationship) is key, I guess. I don’t know what to do now. Do I let it go? and if she wants to rekindle something later, renew my interest then? She knows how I feel about her and my desire for there to be an “us”, I’m pretty sure. Do I call? keep in contact?
Damn.
Any secrets?
For the moment this recent occurrence has made my future planning easier. I’m now planning my motorcycle trip down the west-coast. I may have the first wwoof farm already lined up. I’m putting some feelers out for freelance work.
I still don’t have even any vague plans about 2009 yet. Although, they could involve a drastic move away from the Northwest. Or could involve extensive two-wheel traveling. Either way I think farming will be part of it.
Send me some freelance work if you got it! 